My Freckles

I am a redhead...I was born that way...with fair skin.  Soon my freckles came.  Lots of them.  All over.  And moles.  Adults seem to love it.  "Oh, that hair.  You are so lucky.  God must have smiled upon you to give you such gorgeous red locks.  I have to pay big bucks to get that hair."  Adults envied the fair skin with "cute" freckles saying, "Look at all those angel's kisses!  They are darling.  You must be very loved."  Or, "Man, those cheek bones!  You could be a model with a bone structure like that!"

Their comments flattered me, but I never believed them.

My red hair and fair skin have never been my favorite features.  Growing up, I never saw the beauty in them, only the ugliness.  Society plagued me with superficial beliefs that thinner, nicely tanned, unblemished, blonde, and D-sized are better.  Where did I fit in?

I was NOT popular by any definition of the word in school or in church.  The blondes never had a problem.  The brunettes always had a place among the elite.  Not the redheads, though.  It was like there was some universal code that "redheads are not good enough...they shall be the eternal geeks".  I always wondered why the red-heads were always cast as the nerdy and awkward brainiacs in movies.  They were never the beautiful, sought after, main characters like the blondes and brunettes.  I was  grateful for the movies which portrayed a gorgeous redhead and secretly hoped that my peers would realize that redheads weren't so bad, after all.

Jr. High/High School were hard.  Some kids were outright mean.  I don't remember all that was said and done, but I do remember the feeling of loneliness and rejection.  I remember "Ronny", my Jr. High school heart-throb (who didn't even know I existed), and the list he typed up entitled "Hot Girls I Know" as an assignment in typing class.  I read it, after it was posted on the wall, only to find my name was not included.  I was crushed.  (BTW, all the girls on the list were blondes.)

I remember at my first year at Girls Camp (church camp for 12-18 year old girls) I tented with my friends, another fiery red-headed girl and one that was a hard of hearing.  We were the outcasts.  

Even some whom I called friends would jokingly say, "Wow!  Your legs are so bright, I have to wear my sunglasses!"  It was not meant as a jab, but it still left an impact.  At that age, my whole existence and destiny were solely validated by how others viewed me and because I was a freckled redhead, I was only that and nothing more.  I often wondered if my freckles and red-hair would go away when I grew up.

Well, I grew up...and my freckles are still a part of me.  Although a little faded when covered by make-up, they are all there.  One can especially see them after I have been out in the sun and am sporting the "au natural" look.  As for my natural red hair, it has faded quite a bit, as well.  With each baby, my hair lost some of it's color.  Now, I have to pay to get red out of the bottle.  Trips to my hair colorist and my morning make-up ritual have only accentuated my natural, God-given traits (and familial genes).  But more importantly, I have learned to accept myself and appreciate what I have.  Some days I don't love my hair.  Some days I don't love my moles.  Some days I don't care for my fair, white skin.  And, I still excuse myself in public for those things I can not change, like when I am out in the sun (with no make-up on) and my freckles really come out or when my bright, white skin glows in the dark and the light for that matter.  I am learning to adjust to my expanding waist size and accept it.  I have never been photogenic and have yet to find at least a few photos I like of myself, especially among all the unflattering photos my kids snap of me on my iPhone or camera.  BUT, overall I LOVE ME...Freckles and All!